How to Pack a Suitcase

So, this one is being written directly after posting the last one. The title may be a bit misleading but I was having a conversation recently about packing and how you always want to leave a little room in your suitcase so you can bring stuff home with you. And when I think about that I think it’s the perfect analogy for any time you go abroad, and maybe even just a good analogy for new experiences in life in general.

Because when I went abroad I brought things I knew I’d throw away: shampoo, beauty products, etc. I went in knowing I could probably ditch those for cooler things when I came back. But there were also things I brought I hadn’t necessarily intended on getting rid of. One prime example was my boots. I bought them at Target for $30 maybe two years ago now. They fell apart about halfway through the semester. I held onto them as long as I could, reluctant to spend money on new ones. But eventually I couldn’t avoid it. I threw them away and came back with some snazzy new ones that got me through the rest of my trip.

So I think in a lot of ways, that transitions well into my last few lists I made those last few days abroad that I do want to share.

There’s really no way to summarize these 5 months. Even if you clicked on every link on this blog and read every article it wouldn’t do it justice. I did write a list of all of the memories that came into my head which ended up being about 5 pages and which I won’t be typing here. But I got to do some incredible things. Traveling to France, Monaco, Spain, Germany, Austria, The Czech Republic, and Ireland. 17 flights. There were so many new foods and new experiences that I got to pack into my suitcase. Things that I may honestly never be able to fully share with anyone, but that I will always get to have. Running to a magic fountain in Barcelona. Eating kebabs. Pub Crawls. Castles. The beach in Cannes. Carnival in Nice. The Suquet. Unforgettable 3 hour long dinners. Trains. Cathedrals. Amazing people. Lock bridges. The French language, la plus belle langue du monde <3. Metros. Stromae. More freedom than I might ever have again in my life as well as some of the purest and happiest moments I’ve had in my 20 years here on earth.

So, this may or may not be one of my last posts. Because it may be the only and best way to make an attempt to summarize. These are short little lists, but they’re the big things.

List #1: Things I’m Taking with Me (or already brought since I’m home)

·         New sense of confidence

·         L’esprit critique

·         Not just accepting everything

·         4 hour meals (or at least 2)

·         Taste for new foods

·         Greater appreciation for the little things

·         Redefined faith

·         Stronger convictions

·         Increased curiosity and eagerness for adventure

·         The French language/culture: philosophy, logic, family, pride, hedonism

·         Irish heritage?: welcoming ,positivity, kindness

·         A newer slightly less naïve me

·         Joy, thankfulness/gratitude, humbleness, understanding, peace

·         Nutella and europants

May not be perfect, but a good reminder. And the next one is even shorter but I think even more significant.

List #2: Things I’m Leaving Behind

·         Rushing through life

·         Judgment of others (going to try at least)

·         A younger more naïve me

·         Ignorance

·         Not accepting myself or my beliefs

·         Shame/guilt

·         Little pieces of my heart; chapters of my life

Moving Forward

After a more emotional day yesterday and with everything going on these days I decided since I had today off work that my number one priority would be taking some time to just sit and write or type or whatever to re-center and re-organize myself a bit. The thing is that these days I have so many thoughts constantly going in and out of my head despite that it seems like there’s not a lot going on my life these days.

Also on a bit more random note, I woke up to this article which made me feel a bit better because it talks about basically everything that was going on with me yesterday. Plus I chatted with AIFS friends on Facebook like my friend Jake. AND for the first time I got to FaceTime with Ms. London Lundstrum, one of my favorite people I met studying abroad, for about an hour!

http://thoughtcatalog.com/kellie-donnelly/2014/07/the-hardest-part-about-traveling-no-one-talks-about/

So today I decided to head to one of my favorite coffee shops, and spend some time with myself and with God in some reflecting time and some prayer for some guidance I guess. Which I think I’ve done a lot recently but the problem is I think I’ve done a lot of talking and not a lot of sitting and just listening. At the moment, I’m feeling a lot better about things—already feeling like just journaling out some of my thoughts is giving a sense of new direction. Which has led me to decide to write a few blog posts. 

This first one is going to be dedicated to one of the lists I wrote months ago during my last few days abroad. I posted one a while back, but this one was about the kind of individual and young woman I want to become. I’m not quite there and I’m not sure I’ll ever fully get there; but it’s what I want to strive for. And one of these in particular that I just re-read was: being someone that’s inspired as well as inspiring. So I’m not sure how inspiring I can be right now. But I think the first step is that word “inspired.” Which is a bit funny to me because I rarely think of myself as the “artsy” type; but then I get kind of constantly reminded that I am an artist. And I'm going to claim that. And I think anyone who’s read this blog or watched some of my videos or even been around me to see what an emotionally driven person (in addition to intellectually driven) I can be would agree.

So, on that note, I realized that blogging and working on my video montage and all that stuff is maybe the best thing I can be doing for myself right now. Because lately I’ve felt so uninspired when normally I feel inspired by SO many things. Even doing this right now I’m typing pretty fast and I’m actually feeling it a bit already.

Without too much  further introduction, my list of personal qualities that make up the person I’d like to be, whether they are completely new or they’re expansions on traits I feel like I’ve always had, moving forward thanks to my study abroad experience:

1.       Humble

2.       Strong

3.       Confident

4.       Someone who fully knows how beautiful she is, but doesn’t need to talk about it. People can tell she knows it, but she doesn’t need to boast about it.

5.       Someone who puts herself out there. Who introduces herself to others. Who takes initiative.

6.       Someone who creates deep relationships with others.

7.       Someone who cares about others. Who’s thoughtful. Who’d do just about anything if it meant helping someone out.

8.       Someone who does random acts of kindness.

9.       A young woman who’s comfortable and proud of her sexuality (rather than ashamed of it).

10.   Someone who doesn’t beat herself up, or others for that matter.

11.   A young woman who can say no. Who stands up for herself when enough is enough.

12.   An intellectual. Someone who’s informed about the world. Who can defend her opinions with relevant examples. Someone who has read and studied religions and texts.

13.   Someone strong in their faith.

14.   Someone who doesn’t shove her opinion in other people’s faces, but who will respond confidently to others’ questions if they arise or when conversations call for it. Someone who’s not afraid to give her opinion when she feels the need to.

15.   Someone who does her. (AIFS people will understand this reference pretty well). Who dresses how she wants. Wears makeup or doesn’t. Makes plans or stays at home.

16.   Someone who dates. Not actively seeking a relationship but keeping an eye out and not being afraid to try or give things a shot.

17.   Someone who volunteers.

18.   Someone who takes/makes time to enjoy the little things.

19.   Someone who travels.

20.   Someone who sees the best in people. Who’s not afraid of what she doesn’t know.

21.   Someone who trusts.

22.   Someone who puts all of herself into what she does.

23.   Someone inspired as well as inspiring.

24.   Someone who loves unconditionally. Who lets people be and loves them anyway (or at least doesn’t judge them).

25.   Un peu parisien en fait, ou du moins, française.

It's Hitting Me

So I’m not feeling the need to write a ton, but I’m in a place right now where a lot has come up the past few days around study abroad—well it still comes up for me all the time. It’s been a rough week regarding some of it though. I feel myself continuing to get back into the routine of home. I’ve had a lot of fun in the last few weeks hanging out with everyone, feeling very loved and welcomed home.

And this blog isn’t meant to be a downer even if the last few posts seem that way. However, I also feel it’s necessary to keep up on the whole experience.

Anyways. So just to check in. For the most part I’m doing fine. But I’m having more moments. The excitement of getting home is quickly winding down now.

I cried over kebabs last week. It sounds like the stupidest thing and I wouldn’t discount other potential factors for why this happened. But my mom offered to get kebabs for dinner, to which I asked, “Kebabs like, Europe's kebabs?” and she responded yes which led to me literally feeling like I got hit by a wall of emotion that made me cry. And actually because of the place I’m in right now, typing this is making me cry thinking about it. Obviously, it’s not so much the kebabs I miss. But it just hit me. How much I miss it. How far away it is. How even us going out to dinner and getting something similar was just not at all the same.

Friday I woke up early for an opening shift at work. I got up and threw myself together. Then I teared up and eventually cried a bit in the car on the way to work trying not to think about how much I wish for one morning I could wake up again in Cannes. In room 317 of the International College with my roommates Sky and Grace in our yellow room with twin sized beds and yellow comforters. Our tiny closets. Their desks directly centered and facing each other between our two windows which were always left open to our top notch view of the courtyard filled with palm trees and the sea on the horizon. How I’d roll out of bed and go to breakfast with everyone. Then go to class (oh man, here it comes) with Giselle. With Hans and Alex and Elsa and Patrick and Jeannie. And we’d talk in French for hours and enjoy each other’s company and learn from each other. 

And there I was months later in my car on the freeway headed to Marie Callender’s for work.

And then today. Today I didn’t wake up feeling it necessarily. But I got in my car and “I Will Wait” was playing on the radio. It made me want to just listen to more Mumford and Sons who I listen to all the time, but who I also listened to a ton on my trip and who’s songs in so many ways take me right back to exactly how I felt abroad. Those songs in a lot of ways are like anthems to me of my trip. But soon after I put on more of their songs, I felt myself choke up while singing along, and started crying. For the third time in about a week’s period. And although I was headed to work once again and didn’t want to show up a wreck, I tried to suck it up and it still slipped out. 

This is me being really just honest and open I guess—because I usually hate admitting any kind of weakness, I tend to not want people to see me that way. But I just miss it. I miss the people. And mostly, I miss how I felt there. Because there I felt so alive and at home these days I just don’t really. I’m here. I’m working and I’m spending time with people and I’m enjoying little things here and there but it’s just not the same.

And then tonight what motivated me to write this was just that I’d written just a few letters to some of my study abroad friends. Haven’t finished em all yet but did a few. So I decided to write the addresses I’d gotten on the envelopes and seal em up so when I buy stamps tomorrow I can finally send them about 2 months later than intended. I re-read them and sealed them all up. And right after doing so it literally felt like I’d just sealed up little pieces of my heart to send off. Maybe it’s just that it feels so final—like a final stamp to put on these experiences in these friendships. It is and it isn’t. But it just makes me miss them more and makes me want to go back for a night and even just give them all a hug, hear them talk and laugh for a few minutes.

So. I’m being super emotional for anyone who can’t tell. And it’s not all the time I feel like I’m struggling but it is cropping up more and more often and at really random and/or unexpected times.

And there it is. These days are mostly just working and making plans and keeping busy as much as I can. It's getting back into my church. Getting excited for school to start in a little over a month. Starting to plan some trips hopefully in the next year or so, nowhere too crazy though since I'm broke at the moment. 

And it's weird because I was totally prepared for this to happen. I don't know how many times study abroad advisors warned us about reverse culture shock. They warned us that it's easy to be depressed and what not, so I'm sure that's just exactly what it is. But it's definitely there and it's hitting me. However, as much as I knew within 1-2 weeks of being there how hard coming home would be (take a look at the "Culture Shock" post for proof that), I also knew that soon in that any sort of depression or reverse culture shock would be worth the experience ten times over.

Transitioning

Despite that I know not as many people are reading at this point, now that my adventures abroad are over, I figured I should post occasionally when stuff comes up—about adjusting to life at home and what not.

So here I am. The last time I wrote I had only been home for five days. And now I can say it’s been a few weeks. I feel pretty used to being home at this point. I’ve been keeping myself busy hanging out with friends and family. I probably think of study abroad every day. And it was very hard at first not to constantly be thinking about it and the fact that I wasn’t still in France or traveling somewhere. It was basically all I wanted to talk about. More than that, it’s really all I had to talk about. But after a few weeks and starting to get back into a routine (sort of at least) I can talk to people about work or plans or whatever and it’s not always about my trip.

I really just… don’t know how to put into words how I’m feeling these days. It’s a bit all over the place. It’s exactly what I imagined in that it’s a bit confusing to try to fit this new girl I feel like back into old environments and habits and routines. It’s like taking a piece out of a puzzle, turning it sideways, and then trying to fit it back in or something. Things constantly remind me of stories or memories. But what makes me a bit sad sometimes is that those stories feel so distant. Literally I guess. But it just really doesn’t seem like it was real at times. Which is just… weird. There’s really no other way I can say it.

I’ve occasionally chatted with some of my AIFS friends. But not seeing them or really knowing much of what’s going on in their day to day lives makes them kind of fade away—these people that were a huge part of my daily life for what was a pretty solid amount of time.

It’s like I can so clearly picture some of the images of the people I was with and the places I went. But they just seem like images in my head. I rarely feel a strong sentimental attachment to them like I guess I thought I would. Which is what’s hard to process.

I’ve had my moments though. A friend, Jake, who I was pretty close to in Cannes but with whom I wasn’t sure how much I’d stay in contact, messaged me on Facebook just to chat and see how I was doing and ask how my last few weeks of traveling had been. It made my day. And then he was saying how much he just wished we were all back in Cannes that night—it was a weekend night so we would’ve all been borrowing each others’ clothes to walk into town for the night. It just feels sometimes like we should all be getting ready to head to Morrison’s and see Michel and who knows what other friends would be there. And those people are still there and we’re not. And it just made me sad. It was comforting to know I’m not the only one thinking things like that.

And then even just the other night I went to a friend’s house to Jacuzzi after work and we were talking and asking questions when she asked, “If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?” And that was a moment I felt my heart almost burst (in a happy and sad way) thinking, honestly, I’d be back in Cannes. Everyone would be there. My roommates, my friends. We’d all be getting ready to go out. We’d walk into town and dance our butts off at our favorite bar, which was nothing really like a club, but we’d dance anyways. And we’ll never get to do that again.

So there’s all that.

But on a better note. I am adjusting. I’ve started back at my old job—literally nothing has changed there besides two new drinks added onto the menu. Waitressing has come back really fast. I’ve volunteered at church the last few weeks; last week I worked the cameras and the tech team said I haven’t lost my touch at all. After a few weeks of zero structure in my schedule I was ready to start adding some back into my life. And I’ve realized just how much I need to surround myself with stuff that’s just… new. That’s what I need. It’s little things like new music for when I’m driving in my same old car, or a new background from my Barcelona trip as my screensaver on my phone that make me feel good. Make me feel like I am at least a slightly different person these days. And also make me feel like I’m given the opportunity to get a bit of a fresh start here at home but with a support system that’s been in place much longer.

So life is moving on. And I’m in a place now, and having spurts of these moments where I do realize and get excited for the future. For new things that are going to be taking place in my life in the next few months, years, etc. (well hopefully at least).

For now I’ve got a few more things to try to incorporate into my schedule like starting to work out and attempting to eat healthier though it’s much harder at home. That’s one thing—on a bit of a side note—I just feel kind of lazy. I had a busy day at work today where I felt the gears turning in my brain for what feels like the first time in a long time. And I think it’s simply from being really stimulated by something; whereas waking up these days in my old bed and going through old motions after 5 months of life on hyper speed tends to be kind of the opposite. And I have realized that already so I know that continuing to do new things and surround myself with new activities will get me to where I want to be.

And I’ve also had some nice opportunities already to bring some of the French activities I learned to love here! Like an almost 2 hour dinner with fresh bread and cheese I had with my family which has been one of the highlights of my few weeks home!

I know I’m just rambling at this point. But another thing that’s different is it was so easy while I was abroad to wake up and just feel so grateful all the time. So that’s another struggle is that I know there’s a ton of beauty all around me and I shouldn’t be complaining. But it’s just so much easier to see it when it’s new and foreign. So in that sense I just feel kind of… stuck. But I also fully trust in God to guide me to use my experience while I’m home somehow. And at the very least, as a really cool guy from my church recently told me, even if I can’t share the experiences I had with other people, I’ll always have them for myself. So that’s comforting.

Apologies for the scattered-ness of this post. But that’s pretty much exactly where I’m at! Transitioning. Finally coming to terms with the end. Starting to try to get excited for what is in front of me: a new beginning.

My current cover photo on Facebook--a photo I took in Ireland with some lyrics to a song I listened to
pretty frequently while traveling. "Reminder" by Mumford and Sons.
A song that brings me back when I listen to it.