Bonne Anniversaire à Moi!

Yesterday was what I would consider to be the best day of my life thus far. And it sounds so cliché perhaps, but I really can’t think of anything else to top it. It was my 20^th birthday, and to be honest, I didn’t really have high expectations. I knew it would be a good day. I told people it was coming up (also in an attempt to psych myself up for it a bit). I mean, 20 is a weird one. It’s cool ‘cause you’re officially not a teenager. And you’ve been around for 2 decades. And I know my life is going to change so much in these years ahead. Which is cool and scary and overwhelming and exciting. I mean. In this next decade I’ll graduate college, hopefully start my career, hopefully travel, definitely meet some incredible people, maybe find a husband (eek that’s a weird one)… we’ll stop there because I’m sure you get the idea.

Anyways.

It was just the perfect day. I got to go through my day feeling SO incredibly loved and blessed. There was my AIFS family who instantly greeted me at breakfast with hugs and happy birthdays and pictures posted to my Facebook wall. There was Giselle who gave me the biggest hug when I came into the classroom and said so many sweet things and brought us some fresh goodies. The sun was shining. I consistently got Facebook notifications from friends and family back at home which were almost overwhelmingly sweet—maybe just out of the fact that I’ve been gone for so long. And I guess that’s what birthdays are about? Getting to feel loved and special for a day? Well, needless to say I just felt so content and happy all day.

Plus, everything worked out perfectly in the sense that we actually had our AIFS goodbye dinner (which was sort of bittersweet), but was nice because I basically got to go to dinner with EVERYONE! Oh, and everyone sang happy birthday thanks to Cody starting it which was pretty goofy but sweet. And then, not going to lie, we partied! Not only because of my birthday but also because we had a holiday today, so no class. Plus, no one is really going out tomorrow I don’t think even though it’s our last night here just because we all have flights the next day and some people are leaving at 5 AM. Plus, I think most of us want to spend the night together and hang out on the beach and have it be a bit more low-key. So, it was kind of everyone’s last big hoorah together and my birthday just happened to land on the best day it possibly could have.

The entire day was incredible and I felt very fortunate to get to celebrate it here with these amazing people.

And on that note… tomorrow is our last day. I had a mini-meltdown on Tuesday where I cried a bit. But at this point it still hasn’t really hit me. I made a little slideshow to show everyone tomorrow with pictures of all of us. I’m sure people will cry which wasn’t why I wanted to make it obviously but I hope people will find it cute. It’s also just a kind of selfish way for me to do something I like to do that gives me an outlet to thank everyone for what these four months have been for me. For us.

I will miss these people. I will miss this place. I will miss this time.

Though I know that I’ve made friends for life. That we’ll visit. That maybe we’ll come back to Cannes one day even, who knows? That it won’t be the same. It won’t be THIS. Us, 19,20, 21 years old and young and free with the world at our feet, in the circumstances we’re in, the places of our lives we got brought together in. It will never be us trying to figure out Cannes together.

One thing that’s comforted me a bit though, is just thinking that… even if it won’t ever get to be THIS exact experience again… that doesn’t mean it will be bad or worse in some way. If anything, I know those times are going to be incredible, too. Just… different. Which is kind of scary and maybe sad, but it’s just kind of how it is. 

So I’m sure tomorrow will be sad. I say now I don’t feel like I need to cry and I guarantee tomorrow I will be. Bags are starting to get packed. We’ve taken off the photos and postcards that decorated the walls of our dorm rooms. We’re throwing things away to make space or make our luggage lighter. Some are shoving dirty cloths into their suitcases to wash when they get home, while some of us are planning strategically for continued travel. So maybe the busyness has also just taken up most of my brain so I’m not thinking about the fact that we have one more day living here in paradise.

Chère Giselle

Well, tomorrow is my last day with my absolutely incredible French teacher, so this is for her and all that she has taught me. (Translation below).

Chère Giselle,

Après quatre mois vraiment incroyables, je voudrais dire merci beaucoup beaucoup beaucoup! Je me souviens le première jour de la classe j’étais si contente de vous avoir comme professeur. Je savais déjà que j’aimerais votre classe. Il y a tellement des choses que je veux exprimer, mais qui sont un peu difficile de mettre en des mots. 

Cette classe a changé ma vie. Vraiment. Grâce à vous et l’atmosphère ouverte que vous avez établie dans la classe, j’ai appris en plus que la grammaire et le subjonctif. Il y avait les liens connecté entre moi, Elsa, Patrick, Jeannie, Hans, Alexandre, et plusieurs autres. J’ai appris l’importance d’avoir un esprit critique, quelque chose de nouveau pour moi, et en même temps, la puissance d’un esprit ouvert. La nécessité de s’informer, d’être un citoyen du monde. De ne pas rester dans un coin chez moi. 

Peut-être mon leçon favorite été celle de l’hédonisme (comme vous savez déjà je suis sûr). Je n’oublierai jamais notre excursion à Antibes. Même en ce moment où j’écris cette petite lettre, je me souviens si clairement de la mer, les rochers, et nos sourires en parlant dans une langue pour laquelle mon adoration continue à grandir. 

Ce sont les mémoires dont je tiendrai très fort pour le reste de ma vie. Ces idées sont celles dont je veux continuer de pratiquer après le retour aux États-Unis, quelque chose dont je suis très nerveuse.  Je n’oublierai jamais, dans les premières classes, les choses que vous avez dites sur ma personnalité après avoir fermé les yeux en écoutant les voix des autres ; que je semblais très ouverte, simple, et honnête. Je vais continuer d’être comme ça. Je n’oublierais pas la voix « français » que j’ai trouvée ici. Et finalement, je n’oublierai jamais ce qui était peut-être la phrase clef du semestre entière : que Dieu nous a donné la logique, alors… l’utilise 

En conclusion, merci Giselle ! Mon expérience ici n’aurais pas été presque la même sans vous. Je me sens très bénie d’avoir été avec vous. Je vous adore et je vous souhaite tout le meilleur.

À la prochain, et grosses bisous !
Votre Petite Amanda


Dear Giselle,

After four incredible months, I just want to say thank you so much. I remember the first day of your class I was so happy to have you as a teacher. I already knew then that I was going to love your class. There are so many things I want to be able to express, but they're hard to put into words.

This class has changed my life. Really. Thanks to you and the open atmosphere that you created in the class, I learned so much more than just grammar and the subjunctive tense. There were connections made between myself, Elsa, Patrick, Jeannie, Hans, Alexandre, and many others. I learned the importance of having an "esprit critique" (a critical spirit--French concept that's very important as a citizen and an individual), something that's new for me, and at the same time, the power of having an open heart. The necessity of being informed, to be a citizen of the world. To not stay or hide in a corner at home.

Maybe my favorite lesson was that of hedonism (as you already know, I'm sure). I will never forget our excursion to Antibes. Even at this moment where I'm writing this little letter, I remember so clearly the sea, the rocks, and our smiles as we talked in a language for which my passion continues to grow. 

These are the memories I will hold tightly onto for the rest of my life. I want to continue to practice these ideas after the return home to the States, something I'm very nervous for as it is. I will never forget, in the first classes, what you said about my personality after having closed our eyes to listen to each others voices: that I seemed very open, simple, and honest. I'll continue to be that way. I won't forget the "French" voice I found here. And finally, I will never forget what might have been the most important phrase of the semester for me: that God gave us logic, so.. use it!

In conclusion, thank you Giselle. My experience here wouldn't have been nearly the same without you. I feel so blessed to have been with you. I adore you and I wish you all the best.

Until next time and big kisses!
Your little Amanda



Really though, I am going to be quite a mess tomorrow having to say goodbye. I lost it a bit at lunch today after taking our AIFS group photo. I just wanted to dedicate a bit of this blog to a woman who truly and honestly has changed my life, for the better. Saying goodbye will be hard. But I couldn't be more thankful for the time I was able to have and to learn with her. </3

A Whole Lot of Thoughts: The Beginning of the End on a Cloudy Sunday Evening

Hmm. In all honesty, there’s just SO much going on at the moment. So this might be a long post. It’s more likely to be one of the more personal ones, which may be a bit odd, I guess, since I really don’t know who reads this. But I’ve noticed, and been told throughout this trip, that I’m someone who opens up to people really fast and easily, so I might as well do that here. And I figure, this blog should reflect my actual experience here. So here it is.

Well, I’m currently sitting here. It’s Sunday night. It’s cloudy and grey outside. Today was a chill day. After a really fun night out last night, our last Saturday night here, my roommates and I woke up this morning groggy and tired, but smiling as we recounted our adventures. We shared what will be our last brunch together—lasting about 2 hours and consisting of pain au chocolat and some deep conversation. 

The hot topic: the shooting that took place at UCSB. A college in my home state. Shocked and horrified we talked about the story and about the suspect which led into some deeper discussion. It was good. Good to be surrounded by a group of intellectual young people actually concerned about something like this, about the implications, about some of the underlying issues going on. Gun control laws. Feminism. Mental illness. 

This spiraled into us spending the day in and watching Bowling for Columbine, a movie I’d never seen, and then continuing to talk and debate. Without harping on it too much, I hope, today was a day that just seriously took me by surprise. This is one of those times where you realize what human beings are capable of doing to each other. When I heard some of the insanely twisted things this young man had said, or when I watched that film it just… it just literally baffles me. And on one hand, it makes me feel incredibly blessed to have grown up in the way that I have. But on the other, it blows my mind some of the things people will say or will truly believe. And it’s scary. It is. It’s a weird juxtaposition being here in France, studying abroad, when there are a lot of scary things in this world. And a lot of problems that need fixing, especially in the U.S. And it just is hard to think about because although, thankfully, I have the ability to hear about and think about these things as, I don’t know what I can do to fix anything. It’s very disempowering and frustrating. 

So there’s been that today. 

Then there’s just this whole added element of the enormous amount of mixed emotions I’m trying to sift through—that I’m aware of on an intellectual level and bracing myself for, but that haven’t fully hit me. Maybe I just haven’t let them yet. I don’t know. And that makes it sound like I’m miserable over here which I’m not at all. I couldn’t be happier here. And that’s why it’s hard. 

And this is where it gets personal and very confusing so I apologize for the fact that the rest of this post will most likely not have any sort of linear connection. I think I just need to let everything pour out of my head for a sec.

I mean, people have started counting down. This is our last week here. This is my last week living in Cannes, France. I mean who knows I may be back someday, I want to visit, but Lord knows when that’ll be. When I’ll have the time or the means. Who I’ll be with. Where I’ll be at in my life. Because even if I come back it will never be the same. It will never be THIS. These moments in this room with these absolutely incredible people. This time in my life where I’m 19 and young and naïve and don’t have anything figured out. Where I feel as free as I may ever feel.

And some people are excited to go home. The sadness is very hushed at the moment as I think we’re all trying to deal with it in different ways, but it permeates the college. Every conversation or hug or anything is bittersweet as I try to savor it—which I’ve tried to do every day this semester, but am now doing with a sense of heightened importance as the days run themselves out.

But I’m also not going home. My best friend Grace and I talked about this at dinner tonight since neither of us is going home quite yet. In fact, I don’t go home for a month. Which seems like such a short time and a long time simultaneously. But so as everyone else is going to something they know, we are both leaving something we’ve grown comfortable with into something very unknown. For me, that’s two weeks of traveling around before going to Costa Rica. 

Which sounds silly—oh boo hoo Amanda you’re traveling to all these cool places. I know that. And I am excited. It’s going to be incredible I’m sure. But it’s also going to be two weeks where I’ll have just said goodbye to a place that has literally been HOME for the last 4 months and to around 30-40 people who I have grown to love so fiercely. I’ll have a few extra days with two girls whom I’m going to Corsica with. And then I’ll be on my own in Ireland for a bit before going to Normandy where I’m staying with a friend Léa. So I won’t be on my own the entire time. But still, I just know I’ll be dealing with a lot of weird stuff emotionally. Plus, I’ve never really been alone like I’m going to be. I mean, even living on campus at Chapman I was 20 minutes from home. Plus I had a roommate and people living around me all the time. This will be the first time in my entire life where it’s literally just me. No family around. No friends to try to make plans with. Me and what I want to do, when I want to do it, where I want to eat, when I want to sleep and wake up… Me and my thoughts. 

And prepping for the return home which I know I don’t need to think about quite yet, but is on my mind. It stresses me out already. I just know I’m going to want to see so many people and want to tell them about my trip but then what will they ask and how on earth will I even be able to attempt to communicate what four months of my life has been. I mean I literally just think, if I asked people at home: “Well, how’s the last 4 and half months of your life been? What’ve you been up to?” like… what’s the response? Good? And I just know I’m going to go through a huge culture shock. I’ll come back and have changed which is exciting but I’m scared I’ll find it frustrating that… no one else really will have. But then that might also be comforting. But also unnerving. But even going home things are going to change. My mom will have a new house to move into. Then it’ll be back to work and school and figuring all that out. 

So, it’s pretty much as I’ve been talking about already in previous posts… I’m still bracing myself for it, but it’s starting to all fall into place. And though in some ways I feel ready and feel like I’ve just truly enjoyed my time here, I just don’t know if I’m ready for so much change. But then, that’s life right? And I know it’s all good change. Maybe a bit sad. But inevitable. And I know I’ve got a firm anchor with a God who’s gotten me here and given me the most incredible experiences and who isn’t going to throw me into anything I can’t handle or that isn’t going to benefit me. So that’s comforting. It’s just a lot going on. Lots of thoughts that I’m trying to slow down. 

I just… as I sit here I just feel this… hard to describe, but sort of cloud just like swirling in my chest, weighing on my heart a bit. And that really does sound so sad I promise I’m not miserable. Just dealing. 

The only semi-sensible way I can think to end this is with some song lyrics. Because one song in particular came on recently and stood out as pretty much how I’m feeling these days. 

Landslide by Fleetwood Mac:

“Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well I’ve been, afraid of, changin’ ‘cause I’ve

Built my life, around you.

But time makes you bolder.

Even children get older,

And I’m getting older, too.

Well…”

It’s going to be a weird week: the festival is over, we go back to our last week of classes, my birthday is on Wednesday as well as our goodbye dinner, then Friday night is our last night here before everyone leaves! So. Let’s do this.