Hmm. In all honesty, there’s just SO much going on at the
moment. So this might be a long post. It’s more likely to be one of the more
personal ones, which may be a bit odd, I guess, since I really don’t know who
reads this. But I’ve noticed, and been told throughout this trip, that I’m
someone who opens up to people really fast and easily, so I might as well do
that here. And I figure, this blog should reflect my actual experience here. So
here it is.
Well, I’m currently sitting here. It’s Sunday night. It’s
cloudy and grey outside. Today was a chill day. After a really fun night out
last night, our last Saturday night here, my roommates and I woke up this
morning groggy and tired, but smiling as we recounted our adventures. We shared
what will be our last brunch together—lasting about 2 hours and consisting of pain
au chocolat and some deep conversation.
The hot topic: the shooting that took place at UCSB. A
college in my home state. Shocked and horrified we talked about the story and
about the suspect which led into some deeper discussion. It was good. Good to
be surrounded by a group of intellectual young people actually concerned about
something like this, about the implications, about some of the underlying
issues going on. Gun control laws. Feminism. Mental illness.
This spiraled into us spending the day in and watching Bowling for Columbine, a movie I’d never
seen, and then continuing to talk and debate. Without harping on it too much, I
hope, today was a day that just seriously took me by surprise. This is one of
those times where you realize what human beings are capable of doing to each
other. When I heard some of the insanely twisted things this young man had
said, or when I watched that film it just… it just literally baffles me. And on
one hand, it makes me feel incredibly blessed to have grown up in the way that
I have. But on the other, it blows my mind some of the things people will say
or will truly believe. And it’s scary. It is. It’s a weird juxtaposition being
here in France, studying abroad, when there are a lot of scary things in this
world. And a lot of problems that need fixing, especially in the U.S. And it
just is hard to think about because although, thankfully, I have the ability to
hear about and think about these things as, I don’t know what I can do to fix
anything. It’s very disempowering and frustrating.
So there’s been that today.
Then there’s just this whole added element of the enormous
amount of mixed emotions I’m trying to sift through—that I’m aware of on an
intellectual level and bracing myself for, but that haven’t fully hit me. Maybe
I just haven’t let them yet. I don’t know. And that makes it sound like I’m
miserable over here which I’m not at all. I couldn’t be happier here. And that’s
why it’s hard.
And this is where it gets personal and very confusing so I
apologize for the fact that the rest of this post will most likely not have any
sort of linear connection. I think I just need to let everything pour out of my
head for a sec.
I mean, people have started counting down. This is our last
week here. This is my last week living in Cannes, France. I mean who knows I
may be back someday, I want to visit, but Lord knows when that’ll be. When I’ll
have the time or the means. Who I’ll be with. Where I’ll be at in my life.
Because even if I come back it will never be the same. It will never be THIS.
These moments in this room with these absolutely incredible people. This time
in my life where I’m 19 and young and naïve and don’t have anything figured
out. Where I feel as free as I may ever feel.
And some people are excited to go home. The sadness is very
hushed at the moment as I think we’re all trying to deal with it in different
ways, but it permeates the college. Every conversation or hug or anything is bittersweet
as I try to savor it—which I’ve tried to do every day this semester, but am now
doing with a sense of heightened importance as the days run themselves out.
But I’m also not going home. My best friend Grace and I
talked about this at dinner tonight since neither of us is going home quite
yet. In fact, I don’t go home for a month. Which seems like such a short time
and a long time simultaneously. But so as everyone else is going to something
they know, we are both leaving something we’ve grown comfortable with into
something very unknown. For me, that’s two weeks of traveling around before
going to Costa Rica.
Which sounds silly—oh boo hoo Amanda you’re traveling to all
these cool places. I know that. And I am excited. It’s going to be incredible I’m
sure. But it’s also going to be two weeks where I’ll have just said goodbye to
a place that has literally been HOME for the last 4 months and to around 30-40
people who I have grown to love so fiercely. I’ll have a few extra days with
two girls whom I’m going to Corsica with. And then I’ll be on my own in Ireland
for a bit before going to Normandy where I’m staying with a friend Léa. So I
won’t be on my own the entire time. But still, I just know I’ll be dealing with
a lot of weird stuff emotionally. Plus, I’ve never really been alone like I’m
going to be. I mean, even living on campus at Chapman I was 20 minutes from
home. Plus I had a roommate and people living around me all the time. This will
be the first time in my entire life where it’s literally just me. No family
around. No friends to try to make plans with. Me and what I want to do, when I
want to do it, where I want to eat, when I want to sleep and wake up… Me and my
thoughts.
And prepping for the return home which I know I don’t need
to think about quite yet, but is on my mind. It stresses me out already. I just
know I’m going to want to see so many people and want to tell them about my
trip but then what will they ask and how on earth will I even be able to
attempt to communicate what four months of my life has been. I mean I literally
just think, if I asked people at home: “Well, how’s the last 4 and half months
of your life been? What’ve you been up to?” like… what’s the response? Good?
And I just know I’m going to go through a huge culture shock. I’ll come back
and have changed which is exciting but I’m scared I’ll find it frustrating that…
no one else really will have. But then that might also be comforting. But also
unnerving. But even going home things are going to change. My mom will have a
new house to move into. Then it’ll be back to work and school and figuring all
that out.
So, it’s pretty much as I’ve been talking about already in
previous posts… I’m still bracing myself for it, but it’s starting to all fall
into place. And though in some ways I feel ready and feel like I’ve just truly
enjoyed my time here, I just don’t know if I’m ready for so much change. But
then, that’s life right? And I know it’s all good change. Maybe a bit sad. But
inevitable. And I know I’ve got a firm anchor with a God who’s gotten me here
and given me the most incredible experiences and who isn’t going to throw me
into anything I can’t handle or that isn’t going to benefit me. So that’s
comforting. It’s just a lot going on. Lots of thoughts that I’m trying to slow
down.
I just… as I sit here I just feel this… hard to describe,
but sort of cloud just like swirling in my chest, weighing on my heart a bit. And
that really does sound so sad I promise I’m not miserable. Just dealing.
The only semi-sensible way I can think to end this is with
some song lyrics. Because one song in particular came on recently and stood out
as pretty much how I’m feeling these days.
Landslide by Fleetwood Mac:
“Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well I’ve been, afraid of, changin’ ‘cause I’ve
Built my life, around you.
But time makes you bolder.
Even children get older,
And I’m getting older, too.
Well…”
It’s going to be a weird week: the festival is over, we go
back to our last week of classes, my birthday is on Wednesday as well as our
goodbye dinner, then Friday night is our last night here before everyone
leaves! So. Let’s do this.
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